3. METTĀ IN WORDS & DEEDS

§3.1  “Monks, a friend endowed with seven qualities is worth associating with. Which seven? He gives what is hard to give. He does what is hard to do. He endures what is hard to endure. He reveals his secrets to you. He keeps your secrets. When misfortunes strike, he doesn’t abandon you. When you’re down & out, he doesn’t look down on you. A friend endowed with these seven qualities is worth associating with.

§3.2  “Householder-son, these four are to be known as non-friends, counterfeit friends: One who takes exclusively is to be known as a non-friend, a counterfeit friend. One who is good only in word is to be known as a non-friend, a counterfeit friend. One who speaks flattery is to be known as a non-friend, a counterfeit friend. A companion in dissipation is to be known as a non-friend, a counterfeit friend.

“On these four grounds is a person who takes exclusively to be known as a non-friend, a counterfeit friend: He takes exclusively. He wants a lot for a little. When there is danger, he doesn’t do what should be done. He associates for his profit. On these four grounds a person who takes exclusively is to be known as a non-friend, a counterfeit friend.

“On these four grounds is a person who is good only in word to be known as a non-friend, a counterfeit friend: He converses about the past. He converses about the future. He does meaningless favors. When there are things to be done in the present, he claims to have suffered loss. On these four grounds a person who is good only in word is to be known as a non-friend, a counterfeit friend.

“On these four grounds is a person who speaks flattery to be known as a non-friend, a counterfeit friend: He approves of your evil actions. He approves of your admirable (actions). He speaks praise to your face. He speaks dispraise behind your back. On these four grounds a person who speaks flattery is to be known as a non-friend, a counterfeit friend.

“On these four grounds is a companion in dissipation to be known as a non-friend, a counterfeit friend: He’s your companion when indulging in fermented & distilled liquors that are a cause for heedlessness. He’s your companion when indulging in prowling the streets at the wrong hours. He’s your companion when frequenting festivals. He’s your companion when indulging in the heedlessness of gambling. On these four grounds a companion in dissipation is to be known as a non-friend, a counterfeit friend. …

“Householder-son, these four are to be known as friends who are loyal: One who is helpful is to be known as a friend who is loyal. One who is pleased & pained together with you is to be known as a friend who is loyal. One who points out your benefit is to be known as a friend who is loyal. One who is sympathetic is to be known as a friend who is loyal.

“On these four grounds is a helpful person to be known as a friend who is loyal: He protects you when you are heedless. He protects your belongings when you are heedless. He is a refuge when you are in danger or fear. When business duties have arisen, he provides you with twice the capital required. On these four grounds a helpful person is to be known as a friend who is loyal.

“On these four grounds is a person who is pleased & pained together with you to be known as a friend who is loyal: He tells you his secrets.  He keeps your secrets. When there are calamities, he doesn’t abandon you. For your benefit he would give even his life. On these four grounds a person who is pleased & pained together with you is to be known as a friend who is loyal.

“On these four grounds is a person who points out your benefit to be known as a friend who is loyal: He prevents you from evil actions. He establishes you in what is admirable. He lets you hear what you haven’t heard before. He points out the way to heaven. On these four grounds a person who points out your benefit is to be known as a friend who is loyal.

“On these four grounds is a sympathetic person to be known as a friend who is loyal: He doesn’t delight in your bad fortune. He delights in your good fortune. He stops those who speak in dispraise of you. He rejoices in those who speak in your praise. On these four grounds a sympathetic person is to be known as a friend who is loyal.” — DN 31

§3.3  “And what is meant by admirable friendship? There is the case where a layperson, in whatever town or village he may dwell, spends time with householders or householders’ sons, young or old, who are consummate in virtue. He talks with them, engages them in discussions. He emulates consummate conviction in those who are consummate in conviction, consummate virtue in those who are consummate in virtue, consummate generosity in those who are consummate in generosity, and consummate discernment in those who are consummate in discernment. This is called admirable friendship.” — AN 8:54

§3.4  As he was sitting there, Prince Abhaya said to the Blessed One, “Lord, would the Tathāgata say words that are unendearing & disagreeable to others?”

“Prince, there is no categorical yes-or-no answer to that.”

“Then right here, lord, the Nigaṇṭhas are destroyed.”

“But prince, why do you say, ‘Then right here, lord, the Nigaṇṭhas are destroyed’?”

“Just yesterday, lord, I went to Nigaṇṭha Nāṭaputta and… he said to me… ‘Come now, prince. Go to Gotama the contemplative and on arrival say this: “Lord, would the Tathāgata say words that are unendearing & disagreeable to others?” If Gotama the contemplative, thus asked, answers, “The Tathāgata would say words that are unendearing & disagreeable to others,” then you should say, “Then how is there any difference between you, lord, and run-of-the-mill people? For even run-of-the-mill people say words that are unendearing & disagreeable to others.” But if Gotama the contemplative, thus asked, answers, “The Tathāgata would not say words that are unendearing & disagreeable to others,’ then you should say, “Then how, lord, did you say of Devadatta that ‘Devadatta is headed for a plane of deprivation, Devadatta is headed for hell, Devadatta will boil for an eon, Devadatta is incurable’? For Devadatta was upset & disgruntled at those words of yours.” When Gotama the contemplative is asked this two-pronged question by you, he won’t be able to swallow it down or spit it up.  Just as if a two-horned chestnut were stuck in a man’s throat: He would not be able to swallow it down or spit it up. In the same way, when Gotama the contemplative is asked this two-pronged question by you, he won’t be able to swallow it down or spit it up.’”

Now at that time a baby boy was lying face-up on the prince’s lap. So the Blessed One said to the prince, “What do you think, prince? If this young boy, through your own negligence or that of the nurse, were to take a stick or a piece of gravel into its mouth, what would you do?”

“I would take it out, lord. If I couldn’t get it out right away, then holding its head in my left hand and crooking a finger of my right, I would take it out, even if it meant drawing blood. Why is that? Because I have sympathy for the young boy.”

“In the same way, prince:

[1] In the case of words that the Tathāgata knows to be unfactual, untrue, unbeneficial [or: not connected with the goal], unendearing & disagreeable to others, he does not say them.

[2] In the case of words that the Tathāgata knows to be factual, true, unbeneficial, unendearing & disagreeable to others, he does not say them.

[3] In the case of words that the Tathāgata knows to be factual, true, beneficial, but unendearing & disagreeable to others, he has a sense of the proper time for saying them.

[4] In the case of words that the Tathāgata knows to be unfactual, untrue, unbeneficial, but endearing & agreeable to others, he does not say them.

[5] In the case of words that the Tathāgata knows to be factual, true, unbeneficial, but endearing & agreeable to others, he does not say them.

[6] In the case of words that the Tathāgata knows to be factual, true, beneficial, and endearing & agreeable to others, he has a sense of the proper time for saying them. Why is that? Because the Tathāgata has sympathy for living beings.” — MN 58

§3.5 “Monks, there are these five kinds of loss. Which five? Loss of relatives, loss of wealth, loss through disease, loss in terms of virtue, loss in terms of views. It’s not by reason of loss of relatives, loss of wealth, or loss through disease that beings—with the break-up of the body, after death—reappear in a plane of deprivation, a bad destination, a lower realm, hell. It’s by reason of loss in terms of virtue and loss in terms of views that beings—with the break-up of the body, after death—reappear in a plane of deprivation, a bad destination, a lower realm, hell. These are the five kinds of loss.” — AN 5:130

§3.6  “And who is the individual who practices neither for his/her own benefit nor for that of others? There is the case where a certain individual doesn’t practice for the subduing of passion within him/herself and doesn’t encourage others in the subduing of passion; he/she doesn’t practice for the subduing of aversion within him/herself and doesn’t encourage others in the subduing of aversion; he/she doesn’t practice for the subduing of delusion within him/herself and doesn’t encourage others in the subduing of delusion. Such is the individual who practices neither for his/her own benefit nor for that of others.

“And who is the individual who practices for his/her own benefit and for that of others? There is the case where a certain individual practices for the subduing of passion within him/herself and encourages others in the subduing of passion; practices for the subduing of aversion within him/herself and encourages others in the subduing of aversion; practices for the subduing of delusion within him/herself and encourages others in the subduing of delusion. Such is the individual who practices for his/her own benefit and for that of others.” — AN 4:96

§3.7  “A monk endowed with five qualities practices both for his own benefit and for that of others. Which five?

“There is the case where a monk is himself consummate in virtue and encourages others to be consummate in virtue. He himself is consummate in concentration and encourages others to be consummate in concentration. He himself is consummate in discernment and encourages others to be consummate in discernment. He himself is consummate in release and encourages others to be consummate in release. He himself is consummate in the knowledge & vision of release and encourages others to be consummate in the knowledge & vision of release.” — AN 5:20